5 Crazy Things South Park: The Stick of Truth Made Me Say

South Park isn’t the kind of show openly talked about at the water cooler. It’s the kind of show you and the strange guy from accounting recount in hushed voices in his cubical, reciting hilariously politically incorrect jokes that would easily earn you a few unpaid days at home if heard by your boss. South Park: The Stick of Truth not only pushes this boundary, it kicks it in the balls and watches it fall down the Grand Canyon.

Stick of Truth made me say some of the most ridiculous sentences I have ever said in my life, some of which caused a big of embarrassment when said in public. Here are just 5 of the crazy things the boys of South Park made me say:

Warning there are spoilers. Filthy dirty South Park style spoilers


1. “Man I just cannot master this fart!”
Learning farts are an important part of Stick of Truth. It’s a rite of passage every player must endure. Some are easy, some are hard. All are deadly. It was the Sneaky Squeaker that had me yell that phrase to a, thankfully, empty apartment as I tried over and over again to master the right sound waves to produce the toxic attack on my opponent. In the end it turned out I was just trying too hard and you just had to follow the blue arrow. Never try to hard when farting.


2. “Oh God I don’t want to give Randy an abortion”
The things you do to Randy Marsh through this game are disturbing but when I realized the only way I could escape that abortion clinic was to perform one on Randy… well that was a moment you don’t soon forget.


3. “I guess I have to be a transvestite to look like me”
In Stick of Truth there is no option to play as a female character so when given the opportunity I decided to make a lifestyle change and have my character, Martin, become a raging transvestite. He was a rather pretty girl – if I do say to myself.


4. “I just got hit in the face by my father’s balls!”
Ha ha ha ha ha alright this one made me laugh. While fighting the underpants gnomes you take a trip into your parents’ bedroom where the backdrop of your multiple fights is a night of passion for your folks. Nearing the climax of the fight you make your way onto the bed where you must duck your father’s swinging testicles to come out triumphant. Hilariously disturbing.


5. “You have to fart on the dead Nazi zombie fetus to get that achievement.”
Right after saying this sentence was when I first thought to myself… this game is making me say things I never even fathomed I would say. It’s also when I thought about writing this column. FYI this is also how you get the aptly named Too Far achievement.